Oy. I've been debating all week whether I should post this or not, but ultimately I am because 1. it might help someone and 2. it's my story of hope and faith and so it deserves to be told. It's just hard for me to post something so personal on here. Makes me anxious. So if you feel inclined to leave a positive comment, please do. =)
But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.
2 Nephi 2:24
One year ago this week, I took my first positive pregnancy test. I was surprised and excited by the news. After months and months of disappointment, it meant that my body was working like it should. I couldn't believe it. And three days later it all ended. That was exactly a year ago today. If I hadn't taken that test I wouldn't have suspected anything abnormal was happening to my body, but...instead, I sat at my desk, moments after reality began to sink in, and "The World Spins Madly On" began to play on the Pandora station I was listening to. It was too fitting, cruel, heartbreaking.
Last Mother's Day was really hard. I went to church and took the carnation, dangit (actually it was chocolate in my ward; must've been a Relief Society directive), but I wasn't happy about it. At all. My heart was aching.
Now, if the story ended there, it might be quite depressing, but as you know it does not. It's my belief, by the way, that no story has to end there, at that low spot, unless you choose for it to. No story has to end there because God is loving and merciful. As Elder Wirthlin said, "We will all have our Fridays. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."
Even though I had no idea what the future held, I could see that Heavenly Father was gently leading me to my Sunday. He taught me things I needed to know about faith and hope. He guided me to read and hear things that helped me tremendously. He gave me role models like Sheri Dew and Ardeth G. Kapp and Natalie Holbrook. One day I was reading in Philippians when this verse struck me:
That was exactly how I felt: abased and abounding, full yet hungry.I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: everywhere and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
Then, at the end of June, I found out I was pregnant again. This time for keeps.
So what are my thoughts on this Good Friday? Life is beautiful, but only because the gospel of Jesus Christ makes it so. Because of His Atonement and Resurrection, we are eternal beings. As I'm sitting here holding my daughter, watching as she gives me the most adorable smile I have ever seen!, I realize that. You and I are eternal. My role as a mother is eternal. Without beginning nor end. During our trials, time slows. We grieve, we desire, and hopefully we grow. But then miraculously, when the blessings come--and they will come--we see with new eyes. The hardship was but a small moment.
She was well worth the heartache. She was worth the wait and then some.
|Get over your hill and see||what you find there with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair|